Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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