Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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