Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
