me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
