Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
