I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
