before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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