I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
