I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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