Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize
