Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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