wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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