I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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