Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
