I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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