It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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