Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
this hospital has no fireball
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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