Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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