Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
