I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
