If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
I did not marry a roomba.
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