The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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