The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
