My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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