Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Watching her eat just hurts me
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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