Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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