I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
