do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
