It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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