you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
