I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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