I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
