Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
