The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
