Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
