tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
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And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
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I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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