do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
