'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Small penises have feelings too.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Randomize
