well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
