You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
