I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
