you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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