fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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