The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
