Can i not drive my cunt home
i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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