Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
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For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
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it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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