he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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