yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
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