Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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