I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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