Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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