my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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