If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Someone came in the potted fern
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
