i may or may not be watching the land before time
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
