I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
