meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
