he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
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I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
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I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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