Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
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So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
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who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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