Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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