she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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